About 6 months ago I attended a blogging conference, Blissdom, where Brené Brown was the Keynote speaker. Besides being engaging and captivating, her topic of research resonated deeply within me. She is a Shame Researcher. And it was the seed she planted, along with reading her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, (so lovingly given to me by my friend Hollee Schwartz Temple), that made me think about writing this. And it was watching Jaycee Dugard tell her story that made me realize I, too, can be that strong.
While just a short while ago I wrote that sometimes it’s not our story to tell, I realized that part of what I don’t want to talk about is my story. And today I share it. Not for sympathy. But for strength. For power. For release.
Today I Banish Shame.
Four years ago this week my daughter was the victim of a crime. A crime the law refers to as a “violent crime”. I had to tell my husband about it over the phone. I had to get on a plane and bring my baby home because we were in another state visiting at a person’s home whom I had, at the time, called my friend. THIS IS MY STORY.
What do you do when something terrible happens to your family? You look to friends and extended family for comfort. But what if you can’t? Or don’t feel you can? What if what happens fills you with shame and banishes your self-worth to depths so deep you don’t know how to retrieve it?
What if something bad happens to your child and you don’t tell anyone because you don’t want pity? You don’t want your child marked or labeled? She’s not sick so there’s no one to rally around you.
For nearly four years I’ve lived in a hell created by the purposeful choice of one person. A hell whose fire was fueled by the lies told by a family to a judge and a court. A hell that existed solely because the teenage son of someone I’ve know since childhood chose to sexually assault my 4 year old daughter.
I’ve lived in a shame-induced hell because I was told I allowed this to happen. I was told I wasn’t a good mother. That I didn’t protect my child. That it wasn’t his fault. That I was to blame for dragging this kid and his family into court and making them a spectacle in their own town.
I lived in a shame-induced hell, afraid to say a word to people I called my friends for fear of being judged even more than I already had. I never knew silence could be so loud in my head. We never talk about it, we don’t mention it. It’s like it never happened.
But it did. And on that day, my daughter’s innocence was taken from her in the most violent way ever. How could I know that she wasn’t safe? It wasn’t a scary person jumping from behind bushes or a deranged freak snatching her away from me. She was playing. She was being a kid.
It seemed like an eternity but it wasn’t. I couldn’t hear her, but that wasn’t a reason for concern. I taught her to play quietly, to be polite. But I also taught her that it’s her body. But she’s just 4. He was a teenager. How can she defend herself?
The only way she could defend herself was to tell me as soon as she saw me. And she did. And fortunately shock is a powerful force within us that allows us to do extraordinary things when our conscious mind won’t let us.
I was on a mission to let her tell her story. My child, my family, was not going to be his victim. Once I heard someone else tell me that this couldn’t have been this kid’s first time offending I knew it was my job to stop him. I fought for the forensic interview even thought it mean my daughter would have to tell a stranger what happened. I knew what happened when the detective came in the room and told us we’d have to meet with the forensic medical examiner. And I knew that I’d fight to get this kid charged and convicted.
But why was I the one who went on trial? Why did my friends stop calling and emailing when I shared with them what I was going through? Why did the defense attorney need to know how long I breastfed, if my daughter ever saw me and my husband have sex or if my husband ever bathed her?
The shame washed over me. It’s nearly drowned me. Some days it’s come very close. Why wouldn’t it? I didn’t do anything but now I was unworthy of friends. I didn’t do anything but my shame would be exploited, in an effort to somehow make me feel even less worthy. All efforts to reinforce my shame. That I should just keep it to myself because no one wants to hear.
But it DID happen. It happened TO my daughter. No one wants to hear the words, rape or sexual assault. Even the charges filed made it seem less shameful to the defendant – criminal sexual contact. Sometimes even reduced to CSC – so we don’t have to hear the word “sexual”.
She was 4 years old! By the time she was 5 she saw parts of her body most of us never see. She knew what a defendant was and a prosecutor and that she even had her own attorney.
But she didn’t know that the defense team was staking out our house. That the defense attorney failed – on 3 separate accounts – to protect her identity in court documents, referring to her by full name, disclosing her social security number. She didn’t know that the defense attorney was escorted out of the county attorney’s office for threatening a witness.
She was 5 years old when she told a judge she’d tell the truth. She sat on the stand in a brand new dress and fancy shoes and told a judge “Who looked like Santa Clause” what happened to her. She told the judge she can’t tell him everything because she didn’t want to make him sad.
To say this judge was amazing is an understatement. Armed with our own tenacious attorney and a prosecuting team to rival any major TV drama, I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She was going to tell her story to the one person who could do something.
And after hours of testimony, she stepped off the stand knowing she didn’t tell the whole story. And at that point whatever decision the judge made didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she told the judge what she felt he should know about what happened. She wasn’t embarrassed.
She was scared. I know this because she told me. I know this because our attorney had to motion to court to allow her to hold her stuffed animal. I know this because our attorney had to petition the court to screen the defendant because he tried to stare her down. I also know she knew what happened to her wasn’t right. But she didn’t know how much other people might be as scared as she was that she couldn’t tell about everything that happened.
When I was called to the stand, she was gone. Back to the hotel for lunch and a trip to the children’s museum. Something normal. She shouldn’t see me anxious before I was set to testify. She shouldn’t have to sit there wondering what I was saying. She shouldn’t have to see me after I step down from nearly 3 hours of testimony.
The trial was over, we were all excused and closing arguments would be the next day. I went home not really caring what the actual verdict would be. All I cared about was that my daughter told her story to the one person who could do something.
And no matter what the defense said, it didn’t matter to the judge. I only wish I was as detached as the judge because then I wouldn’t have registered any meaning to the hate-filled, accusatory words heaped upon me by the defendant’s family and attorney.
That the kid was found ‘responsible’ – again, soft words because the judicial system doesn’t want kids painted as offenders their entire life. I don’t care what the word was, it meant one thing – My daughter was believed!
For me there was still more, because I was able to present an impact statement at sentencing. I sat through nearly 4 hours of the defense parading every family member, teachers, priests and friends before the judge. It was after I was called a “fucking bitch” in open court that I moved to a sequestered area outside the presence of the defendant and the circus they brought.
I said the words “I am not a victim.” My daughter is not his victim. My family is not their victim. Only I didn’t hear those words. All I could hear were the nasty words, the questioning of my parenting, the description of what a horrible person I am. I stood before the judge, strong and brave. Only to be enveloped by shame once I had to face anyone else.
I say those words again – I am not a victim! I am not ashamed that I fought to give my daughter the opportunity to tell her story to a judge. I am not ashamed that I sought professional help to deal with what happened to my daughter. I am not ashamed that I’ve told people what happened. I am not ashamed that I’ve lost friends because they choose not to be my friend after knowing what happened. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried until there were no tears left, and that I’ve cried again and again and again.
I haven’t told many people what happened because I felt ashamed. That I was a bad mother to let this happened to her child. That I was a bad person because I dared to ruin this kid’s life by having him convicted. That I was a horrible friend because I did this to her and her family. Why wouldn’t I feel shame? For nearly 9 months, the assault on my character was relentless. I was vulnerable. I was living outside my body fighting for my child. I heard all these nasty things said about me, as if I was an onlooker.
Why did what they say matter? I don’t know. Why didn’t I just go to my friends and family for support? Because they didn’t want to hear it. No one wants to talk about sexual assault. No one want to know anyone that ‘stuff like this’ happens to. This doesn’t happen to people like me.
I’ve lived the last nearly 4 years in a box all by myself. Hearing the defense attorney’s voice and his berating me and questioning every decision I made. Listening to the auto-play of why would I do this to them.
I didn’t do anything to them. My daughter didn’t do anything to deserve what happened to her. I made a choice to do what I could to make it right. I can never take away what happened. But this will not define her. It will not define me or my family.
I’m tired of living with the shame of having done something wrong or feeling like it’s taboo to mention. Today I say “I don’t care!”. I don’t care if you don’t want to be my friend because you can’t handle my pain. I don’t care what happens to this kid or his family. I don’t care what they think of me. I don’t care if anyone want to tell other people what I’ve had to deal with.
No one will ever again make me feel ashamed for choosing to have lunch with a friend. No one will make me feel ashamed because I can’t leave my daughter alone at their house. No one will ever make me feel shame because my daughter doesn’t want to be touched or hugged. No one will ever make me feel shame because I fought to give my daughter her power back.
Today I banish shame from my heart and my mind. Today I let go of the shame I felt because someone else chose to break the law. And today I release myself from the hell I’ve lived in because I questioned if I was a good mother, a good friend, a good person.
Almost four years ago I walked into hell. Today I am walking out!
Follow Me on Google+
{ 4 trackbacks }
{ 146 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so proud of you. I am still very proud to call you my friend.
Blessings
Honey
Oh, my dear, sweet, strong friend. I wish I were there right now to fuve you the biggest hug imaginable.
I’m feeling so many conflicting things right now that I don’t know where to start, but I’ll just pick somewhere & go from there.
I’ve got tears in my eyes because your strength & bravery has me in awe. I’m so proud to be your friend and I wish like anything I knew you back when this terrible thing happened, because you deserved to have someone on your side when you did the absolute right thing for your child.
I’m so very angry that someone you called a friend could try so hard to hurt you with words instead of accepting that they had a family member who needed their help and love, not mindless defense of horrific actions.
I’m sad for your daughter, learning so young that people are capable of
doing terrible things to each other.
I’m happy that you have shed the mantle of shame — a burden you didn’t deserve and shouldn’t have had to carry all these years — and are leaving behind the shell of it through your sheer tenacity.
That’s just the first few things that come to mind. I think I’m going to have this on my mind for a while, and we are going to have a few joyful tears to mop up when I see you in a few weeks time.
In the meantime, please know that I am holding you and your family close in my heart and I love you.
I came to read this via @moburns. I’m so glad I did. I’ve never been there, I pray I never am, but I would only hope I act as you acted, you protected your daughter. You taught her it was unacceptable, and she was not to blame. I can’t tell you what that will mean to her over the course of her life.
This paragraph – “No one will ever again make me feel ashamed for choosing to have lunch with a friend. No one will make me feel ashamed because I can’t leave my daughter alone at their house. No one will ever make me feel shame because my daughter doesn’t want to be touched or hugged. No one will ever make me feel shame because I fought to give my daughter her power back.”
SO EMPOWERING!! I am so glad you told your story. I am so glad that you are leaving shame behind. There is no shame in this at all. I think you are amazing.
I must say, I am driven to tears reading this extremely personal post. I understand the shame you have felt, but I am on the other side of the spectrum. MY teenage son, after 2 years of litigation, is now serving a 12 month sentence in a juvenile sex offenders program. His “victim”? A family friend’s young daughter. Your story stings, as it is so close to home. Thankfully, there was no rape involved, touching only. And believe me, I DO NOT minimize what happened. I was/am shocked and mortified. The sexual history polygraphs and extensive psychological treatment leave me some reassurance, however much you can gain in this sort of situation, that my son was never molested nor had there been any other incident of this manner. I don’t know how the other family in your case acted/reacted, but I definately do not condone this sort of behavior. AT ALL. And I have carried guilt like most people would not ever care to believe. I know that my son is guilty. I know that what he did is so very wrong and that NOTHING can take away the pain and hurt that it caused SO MANY people and the lives that have been so drastically altered by his actions. I am confused as to why this happened and what he could have possibly been thinking in the moments leading up to this. I know that pornography is definately a horrible tool of Satan, because he was secretly looking at it, and this definately lead up to the incident. I too know the feeling of losing friends over the situation-not because they were appalled at what he had done, but because we didn’t disclose what he had done. How can you? How can you, on either side of the story, publicly or even privately talk about what was done? Words can not express the sorrow I feel at reading your daughter’s story, and they can’t express the sinking feeling I have in my stomach and the crushing feelingin my heart as I write this. Sex crimes are so very personal, you feel as though you have no where and no one to turn to for help, and it absolutely consumes your very being. My love goes out to all sides of every story such as this. I wish there weren’t so many of them.
I have been where you are, unnamed and wanted you to know your shame is not necessary either. All sides of a tragedy like Sara described need grace as they navigate through a horror they never imagined they would encounter. It breaks my heart that Sara was not given grace and it breaks my heart to hear through your words that you are denying your mama heart grace as well. Please email me if I can help you at all kmelissasmallwood (at) gmail (dot) com.
I’m touched by your response. I can’t imagine your pain but I am touched by your strength to share this side of the story.
And may I also add, to avoid any confusion, that I LOVE MY SON very, very much, and have been happy that he has been receiving the kind of help he needs to ensure that something like this never, ever happens again.
Reading this as a mother, as someone who knows you and your family, to be someone your happy daughter has hugged…. I can’t help but feel every single emotion for you and your beautiful family.
I’m angry that this happened to you, but am so inspired that you found the courage and the strength to banish the shame– a shame you in NO WAY deserved, but because of your love, you took on.
I know if was difficult to share this story with us, but thank you so much for doing so. Much LOVE to you my dear, sweet, wonderful friend.
Thank you. For sharing, and for fighting for your daughter. Too often, people turn the other cheek. I wish I had known you back then. I would not have turned my back. I would have walked by your side and stood up to those who spoke ill of a mother seeking justice for her child.
My heart is full of love for you and your daughter, and I know that your daughter is going to become a strong woman…because you are setting such an amazing example for her.
Dear Sara,
I too am crying as I read this.
I feel your pain as a mother. This is one of our greatest fears for our children. I am so sorry that you have been through it, experienced the flaws of the legal system and all the ramifications that have been heaped on you.
I do feel also for the parents of the boy but YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Thank you and Unnamed for bravely sharing your stories here so that we might all learn from it. When our children do wrong they have to take the consequences for that and hopefully learn from it too.
I hope you have stopped a cycle of abuse and protected other children through your brave actions. It sounds like this was not the first time this boy had offended and you and your daughter were unlucky to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I understand why you felt such shame even though it is unwarranted. Thank you so much for sharing this experience and liberating yourself from it.
I hope there were some people that supported you through this. We can all take courage in your strength for surviving this and coming out of it whole.
Your writing and story should be widely read. This is a wake up call for all parents.
I wish I could do more than just leave a comment here. It’s not enough. Today you have inspired and humbled me.
Thank you.
I am sorry for all your have been through but so proud that you have shared it here and happy because I think this will be a great part of the healing process.
My dear Sara,
I have known you for a while, though never met IRL;but today as I sit in the hotel lobby reading this post; I am So honored and proud to call you my friend!
My love and hugs go to your daughter, and though I know that this is something that is beyond anything any words can ever describe, I can tell by knowing you, by reading your post, and by reading about how strong she is; that she has YOUR strength! She is as strong as you have taught her to be, YOU HAVE DONE A WONDERFUL JOB RAISING YOUR DAUGHTER!!! YOU HAVE DONE A WONDERFUL JOB TEACHING HER ABOUT STRENGTH, ABOUT COMPASSION FOR OTHERS (as she cared for the judge’s feelings) ABOUT MOVING ON!!!
We will have many times to talk and get to know each other more, for now; I will tell you that I know what it’s like. I know what that life is like, being assaulted, being molested, being raped. I was and have been taught to hide and ignore what happened to me as a child, as a teen, as an adult; and I can only tell you that I wish I had you in my life earlier so I can see your strength in my days of depression and those days where I just didn’t want to live anymore.
YOU NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!
YOUR DAUGHTER NEVER HAS ANYTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF!
and I am SO glad you know see this my love
I am crying from your story, I am crying from MY story, I am crying because in a way I feel YOU have told MY story
I love you Sara
Oh Sara, I am so so sorry about everything. I have no words. But at the same time, I am so so proud of you and admire your strength for fighting through the legal system. You did the right thing, you are an amazing woman, an amazing mother.
You’ve done good for your daughter. I had to do this very thing, my evil doer was my mother and her boyfriends. Glad to read that you were there for your daughter, it’ll really matter later in life. Never keep her story a secret, the moment you do she’ll believe what she did was wrong, what happened to her was her fault. I dealt with that feelings for years as it became a huge family secret. Oh and yes, my story was released in the papers too when my name was suppose to be let out. It sounds like no matter what your daughter has a huge support system and that is what she’ll need. Hugs to you, no one should have to go through this.
As a child who was the victim of sexual assault, I applaud you for sticking up for your family and your daughter. Too many times we just want to sweep it under the rug because it is so icky to talk about or deal with….and we say things like “She’ll never remember, she was four.” Believe me, thirty-seven year olds still remember everything that happened to them when they were four.
It makes me sick, not only what happened to your daughter, but what your family was subjected to for protecting your daughter and making sure that young man didn’t go unpunished. You’re a strong woman and a great mother.
Good for you! As the mother of a 6-year-old girl, I cannot imagine that must have been like for you and your family to go through. My heart aches that you were forced to feel the way you did. But I’m so happy that you have had the courage to speak out this way. You sound like you are an incredibly strong mom. You did the right thing for your daughter – and for that “kid” involved. If he wasn’t called to the table now, who knows how many other girls could have been hurt. Never let anyone make you doubt that for a second.
Sara, I am shivering as I write this. What a horrible ordeal to go through and then keep inside for so long. I hope that you have some liberation for sharing this with others. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mom, someone who has fought to protect her and others from this person who robbed her of so much. May you both find peace knowing you did the right thing and that life can only get better.
WOW, This story is very inspiring. The way that you stood up for your daughter is amazing, something I wish I’d had. Crimes like this are too taboo to talk about, so far too many people are too shamed to even tell anyone, let alone take it to court. You are such a brave woman, and an amazing mother! It saddens me how many comments (including my own) are of people wishing that their mothers/family/friends stood up for them the way you stood up for your daughter. It is sickening just how many people can identify with you and your story, and that is why you HAVE to tell it. you HAVE to shred the shame. The strength you show for your family is awe inspiring. Thank you for sharing a story that so many people want to, but are not brave enough to. Thank you for being our voice.
Sara,
The amazing, painful and brave story that you just put to paper will help more people than you will ever know. Your daughter knows how much you love her, but this is almost beyond words. I don’t remember the last time I was so proud of someone and touched by someone. You are an incredible woman. Your daughter has an incredible mother. And she will grow up to be just as incredible because of you and the amazing family around her.
So much love to you,
Alli
Dear Sara,
I so wish I could be with you right now and give you a big bear hug. It makes me sad and angry to know what you and your family has been through. You did do the right thing by standing up for your daughter. Neither of you have done anything wrong. Words are so hurtful. Our brain should have an erase button for hurtful words!
I am so proud of you my friend. I know how difficult it was to tell your story. I hope that you get some relief from letting it all out.
Remember you are awesome and so is your daughter! Love you!
Dear Sara, Your bravery is inspiring. It is at times like this that we find out who our true friends really are. The ones left after a horrific experience are truly the only friends you need.
You are to be applauded for following through and teaching your child that bad people need to be punished for their actions. If more people would do the right thing this would be a nicer world to live in.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story so others can see that courage and share theirs.
God Bless you and your daughter.
I am so, so sorry for what you’ve already endured.
Your daughter is so lucky to have you.
Thank you for speaking out.
So glad you decided to write this. I can only imagine how difficult these last few years have been. However, you are the picture of what every Mom should do for their child, fight. I grew up with a girl who endured continued abuse by a step Father and her Mother knew about it. I think the thing that broke her in the long run was the fact that her Mother didn’t fight for her. You should be applauded for being so brave and speaking out & making sure your daughter’s voice was heard.
Though I’m sure several have told you, I will tell you again. You did nothing wrong and you certainly didn’t cause this to happen to your daughter.
Your kids, your family….they are so lucky to have such a courageous Mom.
I am so disturbed at how you were treated by “friends” and family and especially the courts. Thank you for sharing your story so I can better examine my own actions if this happens to someone close to me.
Your strength, determination and love speak volumes about what kind of mother you are. You gave your daughter, even at 4, the strength to share what happened to her. You knew what happened and you never stopped fighting for your daughter. You have done anything and everything you can for your daughter. As someone who has been in her shoes I can say without a doubt that your actions from victim to advocate will mean so much to her in the years to come.
Thank you for your story. There is nothing braver that we can do in the world than share our stories with other women. I honor you and your strength.
I am so proud of you! I went through the same thing last Aug. With my 5year old daughter she was abused by her older brother 12 that was visiting for the summer. It is heart aching and devestating. We are still going through therapy and trying to heal. Its a very long story but if you ever want to talk to someone please email me. I know how you feel. But you are a wonderful mother! God bless you. -jinna
I read this via a retweet by Maggie/VUnsilenced. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. You and your daughter both have incredible strength and bravery. My children are 3, 10 and 13, and I can only hope that if anything ever happens, they will show the same kind of bravery in telling me, and that I will have your strength to do what is necessary after that. Thank you and bless you.
You are both so brave and resilient !! THank you for sharing this.
Very proud of you, and very happy your daughter has such a champion. It will make a world of difference, I am certain.
I am crying reading this. I am so, so sorry that you and your daughter and your whole family had to go through this hell.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being the mother your daughter needed and an inspiration to all mothers (all people!) about standing up for what is right.
You are a pillar of strength and one of the most courageous people I know. Thank you — you didn’t just stand up for your daughter. You may not realize it but you stood up for ALL OF OUR DAUGHTERS. You are a blessing in my world and I love you. – Laura
This is such a powerful post. Living with shame is something we all do to one degree or another. I am incredibly proud of you for speaking out and stepping out into the light. I hope the wounds from this ordeal, for you, your daughter and your entire family, continue to heal, swiftly. You are going to help a lot of people with this post. Thank you.
I have so many tears and so very much respect for you and your mothering. Thank you for writing this.
An amazing act of courage to not only fight for your daughter and go through the legal system to do so, but to write this post. Your writing is eloquent and moving. Thank you for telling your story. I’m sure by doing so you’ve helped others dealing with the same hell.
What you went through sounds beyond horrific. Good for you for defending your daughter and fighting back. I’m sure the pain would be even worse for her, you and your entire family if you had swept it under the rug.
Thank you for sharing your story.
You own no shame.
I am so sorry for what your daughter had to endure, and what you had to endure.
In my family, secrets were prized. Abuses were covered up. Abusers were enabled. Shame was heaped on the victims. This is a cycle too often repeated.
You broke that cycle. You stood up for your daughter. You taught her to be strong. You showed her that what happened was not her fault. You empowered her to get on that stand (something many adults have not been able to do) and speak the truth.
You are amazing!
You are a warrior mom!!
Thanks you for sharing and hopefully empowering others to be strong and fight for their families. Hugs
Powerful and moving, what an inspiration. Words can’t express how I feel.
I love you, Sara, and am proud to call you my friend!
Sara,
I’m in utter awe of you and your strength and courage. I wish I could give you a big bear hug right now. And it makes me sick that friends turned away from you at such a time of need. This is a message that needs to be shared and spread and talked about. Thank you for sharing it with us and trusting in us. I stand beside you and I’m your friend through thick and thin. I’m so proud to call you my friend! xoxoxoxox
You are so strong and amazing for writing this, for breaking the cycle of silence that so many of us carry through our lives.
You are an incredible person and mom, I am shedding tears at what happened to your daughter and for the pride I have in you as another mother.
I found this post through a tweet…and I can’t tell you how much I am glad I did. You’re amazing.
Oh, chills, tears, and so much love for you and your daughter.
A parent’s nightmare, for sure.
I am so sorry..
and why the shame? Why does society make us feel we are at fault, and why should we feel shame when we did nothing wrong???
You fought for your daughter, and you have changed her sense of esteem forever.
What a perfect mother for her.
Sara, I can’t begin to imagine your pain. Before my life as a Mom, I volunteered full time as a sexual assault victim liason and unfortunately, saw more children than I would like to remember. I hope that time will begin to heal your daughter and please know that I’m thinking of you and your family.
I’m proud of you for sharing, I had to had been so difficult.
Thank you for being brave and telling this story. Im so so sorry this happened to your daughter, to your family, and that you have felt accused and blamed. I am so glad you are banishing shame, and releasing yourself from the hell you’ve been in. I want to send you strength, and deep-down-inside knowledge that you are a wonderful mother and an amazing woman. I am privileged to know you. *HUG*
I had no idea! We should talk. Xxoo
My wife and I had something similar happen to us years ago, although not as bad as what happened to your daughter and there was only a 2-3 year difference between offender and offendee. On the advice of people I respected, I allowed the parents to handle the offender and I dealt with the offendee.
Today that young man that I let his parents handle is in jail for molestation and I’ve always felt bad that I didn’t push harder for some king of “official” action against him. Maybe I could have kept someone else from going through that.
So I applaud you for pushing through all that and getting something on that kid’s record, that way if it ever happens again they can throw the book at him and put him somewhere where he can never harm another innocent. Trust me when I say that what ever emotions you feel as a result of this are preferable to having done nothing and finding out he hurt someone else.
I have opened and closed this comment form 10 times. There are no words big enough to describe my admiration and love for you. As I laid nursing my toddler, reading your (beautifully written) post, I swelled with pride for the way you defended, advocated, protected and LOVED your baby girl. You are the mom we all hope we have the self-possession to be.
This really touched me. My daughter was sexually abused by her half sister. Although CPS admitted something happened, the half sister was old enough to be coached on what to say. My daughter’s father thinks she has lied to this day. She was 5 years old. Being almost 11 now, I will tell you that you heal and they heal and that things do get better and they get better. I am so sorry you had to go through this and that your daughter had to go through this, but bravo to you for not being a victim and for standing up for yourself.
Tears are streaming down my face in hurt for your daughter, you and your family and pride for your courage and love for your daughter to do everything possible to give her her power back. She’s so lucky to have you as a mother, Sara.
Love to you and I’m so proud of you!!!
If ever there was a reason to say family ain’t worth a damn. This was a time when family should have been there to help and hold your immediate family together. The shame is all theirs! Don’t banish the shame, send it where it belongs, with them. Their behavior was shameful. This truly lets you know what kind of people we live in the world with on a day to day basis.
I have a cousin whose daughter was sexually assaulted by her dad’s little cousin who was a teenager at the time. Her daughter was only 4 yrs old. My cousin called the police and her dad’s family hid the boy between houses and told the officers that he had not been there in weeks. Her mother gave up. Because of the court ordered visitation, she has to allow her child to visit the child’s father and will not stop taking the child to the same home where she was repeatedly raped by this evil bastard.
My cousin gave up. My cousin’s mother is not a thinker but she IS a fighter. She waited outside of his house until she found him. She drug him into the street and called the police. She held him there until the police arrived and she told him the police knew what he did and were looking for him. She convinced him that the police would respect him more for telling the truth. When the arrived, they arrested her for holding him against his will. She tried.
He is still free. He has never seen a day in jail, a court room, or any punishment for this crime. Her daughter still gets dressed every weekend and goes over to the same house to face the same man every weekend. Her mother tried to get a court order to have supervised visits but it did not work. She has to send her daughter there every weekend and she can’t even be there. They attack her daughter and tell her she lied and she shouldn’t say things that hurt the family.
You were brave, vigilant, and you protected your child. You were a mother! Don’t ever feel shame. Being alone lets us know we are good company. It teaches us to enjoy the person we have created. I tell my kids all the time if they can’t sit alone in a corner for 5 minutes without going mad, they are in good company. If not, they need to work on being a more appealing person lol. You are a very appealing person and this time alone should have proved that you would rather be alone with yourself than in the company of foul, evil, untrustworthy people. This moment showed you who you could trust and who you could not. Take a note and feed them with a long handled spoon.
I knew you were amazing before and walking through fire just confirms it!
My sweet friend Robyn shared your link today… and I am thankful she did. For even though I am a stranger to you… I support you. I am proud of you. I am thankful that your daughter had you to see her through this. You are making a difference sharing this! Yay you for letting go of the shame!
Be blessed-
Amanda
You told your story for your daughter and for your family and in doing so you made us all a little braver. A little stronger. A little more courageous. Thank you for that.
I have no words to articulate how I feel after reading your post. You and your daughter are beautiful and amazing, and I’m blessed for having had an opportunity to meet you via a re-Tweet. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you so much for telling your daughter’s story.
Why is it mother’s are ridiculed for fighting for their kids…while others can simply sign their rights away and we continue on as normal.
You did the right thing.
Thank you for writing this from the bottom of my heart because not only does it allow you to banish shame and help you heal, it may also help a child because one of their parents reads it.
I never doubted you, I never doubted the path, but I always knew it would be difficult but I would never EVER EVER go to battle without you by my side. Our daughter has a voice because of your diligence, belief and since of justice this is something that cannot be taken away.
Love you
CycleGuy
My Dear Friend,
I am once again truly impressed by the strength and bravery you have shown in the face of such a terrible situation. You have made the right choice every step of the way and in doing so have protected both your family and others. I hope that today you are truly able to let go of this shame you have carried – for it never belonged there in the first place! Please know that there are so many people out there who are going to be empowered and assisted through the brave acts you have taken from fighting this case through all the hurdles placed there by the legal system to the dialog you have opened by sharing your family’s story today. You are an amazing woman and healing WILL come to your beautiful family. I am so proud to call you my friend for these past 20 some years!
Sending you lots of love,
Lisa
My Dearest Sara, I am so very sorry. I have so many things I want to say, but don’t know where to start. You are loved. You are still my friend. I will support you in any way possible.
Thank you for sharing. For being courageous. For fighting an impossible, terrifying, damaging fight. For staring down evil and helping good triumph. I hope we can all learn from your example.
xoxo,
Amy
This is such a powerful story. Thank you for telling it….because you are not alone. There are so many of us who have lived through the ‘secret hell’ afraid to tell anyone. I was 10 when it happened to me. I didn’t tell my parents at the time because I was unsure how they would react. What a blessing it is that your daughter felt that she could tell you right away and trust that you would offer her compassion and support. You have given her the best gift possible for a survivor….you gave her a voice. You are a wonderful mother and your child will overcome this pain and shame because of your love and example.
Words can’t describe how amazing it is that you have shared your story. The fact that this happened and that you were criticized for doing what is right is unspeakable and I am so proud of you and your family for doing what was right.
You hold the courage this world needs to make things right. Thank you so much for sharing it!
It hardest thing to go through when you also learn of the failure of friendship and the dirty side of the legal system; it is one thing to battle the crime, but it is another to be attacked while doing so. (Dirty attorneys make me sick, as well as ignorant family members who defend the crime). But what amazes me is your strength. Looking past those facts. Sharing your story. Educating. Empowering. Protecting would-be victims. Your daughter has that same internal strength and, while I don’t know her, I am so proud of her. She is an admirable young lady who clearly is on the path to do amazing things. It is amazing how people will try to cut you down. In person…or online. But to know that those people DO NOT KNOW you. We do and you are a wonderful woman, a fabulous mother, and a great friend – and PLEASE know that I will ALWAYS be a friend to you too. Hugs.
omg sara. you’re one of the best people, best friends, and best mothers i know. there is no shame for you, only love <3
I read this first thing this morning and was speechless. I can’t imagine having gone through that. I ache for your daughter and your family. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. You should have been lifted up and embraced by your friends, instead of beaten down further during your already traumatic time. I applaud you for talking about it. You may not realize it now, or even later, but this story will touch many people and encourage them to be strong. I know it doesn’t compare, but when my daughter was four, her leg was broken by the neighbors son. It was a complete accident, but they way they handled it was less than mature. My husband had to remind them, that our daughter was the victim, and it wasn’t “all about them”.
Sorry Friend. Take care and strength from all of us that HAVE YOUR BACK!
A friend shared your story today and I just wanted to say YOU DID GOOD. Thank you for standing up, for being strong for your daughter, for doing the hard thing and not sweeping it under the rug. I admire your courage and your attitude.
Sara I am so sorry you, your daughter, and your family had to go through this. There is much evil out there in this world. I admire your perseverance in getting this predator to be so named, and hopefully preventing him from ever repeating again.
Your daughter is simply amazing to have triumphed over her attacker – and yes, testifying in court and facing down that dirtbag is a triumph.
Many hugs my friend.
I love you, and I’m so proud of you for telling your story. And it wasn’t your fault.
You are a hero. There is nothing we need as much as we need to be HEARD, and you gave that enormous gift to your little girl. I am so, so sorry for all you’ve been through – the trauma and all the fallout after, and kudos to you for refusing to let your daughter’s rapist and his family have your power.
Thank you for sharing this. I want to give you a Bad Ass Blogger Award (no worries; there are no strings) because you, my dear, are a bad ass.
http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/nps-bad-ass-blogger-award
First big hugs! I am feeling all kinds of emotions because I can identify with so much here. In fact, the theme of what you’ve written today relates to some things I am trying to sort out for myself right now. I will say this I am VERY proud, and you should be too, that you fought for your daughter, yourself, and your family.
I was in a similar situation (as an adult) and did not fight. I kept it a secret, bottled it up and tried to pretend like it never happened. The worst part for me was actually not the act itself but the secret I kept and the fact that I did not fight for myself. I spent years in recovery working on healing the shame of keeping that secret, and the intense anger I had at myself for not doing anything to fight for myself. And my parents, how mad they were at me for not telling them because they would have fought for me, but I was too ashamed to ask for help or even admit what had happened.
But years later, I was able to share my story on my blog and use it to help other people, like what you are doing here today. I am very honored to call you friend and know that by sharing our humanness and our pains, we are helping to make the world a better place by giving voice to those parts of us that need healing because we are not alone. You’ve walked out of the dark into the light!
Sara… my dear, real-life friend…
I remember when you first shared this with me… although brief and much less detailed. I remember how alone you felt. I remember how you said that friends weren’t understanding and how that made you feel.
Sara… I won’t abandon you. I could share my own story with you… however my story is unresolved and not out in the open. I am not as brave as you, but I am here for you. You already know that this friend is only a phone call and a few miles from your front door.
You are a brave, wonderful, smart-as-a-whip woman and your daughter is growing into these traits as well. You’re an amazing mother and she will be just as amazing.
Well done for writing this and walking away from shame. I’m proud of you. I struggle to understand how lawyers can defend these monsters, and make if their job to destroy you. The lawyers crime is as bad as the perpetrators. Best wishes to you, your family and your true friends. Xxx
Good for you. As a child, I was molested by a teenage boy for two years. I’ve often wondered why no one ever says a word about this topic. Why don’t we ever see posters, for example, that read, “If someone is touching you in ways that make you feel ashamed, tell someone or call this number. It’s not your fault.” It’s like society condones it. Bravo to you for standing up for what’s right.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Thank you for being brave and courageous. Thank you for letting the other hurting mothers know they are not alone. Thank you for voicing what so many of us are too scared to come out and say.
We have never met or even talked, so I cannot call you friend. But I would like to. I admire your brave heart, your fierce love for your daughter, and your willingness to share your story.
I am moved beyond words but hold a special place for your family; I hope that with time your daughter will be hugged again and come to truly understand what an amazing person she has for a mother.
Lisa
Dear Sara,
I found this through Shelly Kramer and I read this with a heavy heart, anger, frustration but ultimate joy that YOU FOUGHT BACK – that you had the courage of your convictions and what you taught your daughter in how you held yourself is a legacy she will NEVER forget. YOU set an example of grace under fire against a system that unfortunately protects the perpetrators more than the defendants and this sometimes rocks my beliefs to the core.
Thank God you got a judge who “got it,” and while my experience with family court in my divorce pales in comparison to yours, I too, had to defend my parenting, whether I left my kids alone (with a babysitter of course), did I pick them up at school (I was working fulltime and neither did my ex), did I do the laundry or let it pile up. All those and more were to question my character and ability to be a mother, which sickened me to the core.
With a very expensive divorce attorney, my ex- who’s character should’ve been at question having left me for another women while I was pregnant – was able to block tests to show he smoked pot ALL the time and testimony that he drove too fast when my sons were in his care, and with this high powered attorney was able to wrest primary custody of my sons – when folks told me it was impossible – that would never happen! My judge did NOT see the truth…in a way he was bought and paid for by a corrupt family court system that is gamed by high-priced lawyers. Thank God money was not an issue.
I fought like you did but lost. Would I do it again, maybe not because he was able to twist my son’s thinking against me and even though they are older now, I am still trying to repair the damage done.
So I sit here crying in pain and joy, knowing you WON, you did the right the right thing, and you don’t deserve one more moment of shame, but the applause and support of all of parents, who MUST protect our children at any cost.
Right on Sara…right on!
You are amazing and strong and a truly remarkable person. Love to you, today and always.
I am forever proud to call you my friend, to love your sweet Baby Girl and your strong family. You, exemplify a maternal power most mothers never have to face and you’ve gone and done every single thing right by your daughter. I love you dearly and cannot wait to see you again soon.
I am so happy that you are letting go of the shame. You are a wonderful mother and I hope you can now move forward with your head held high. I am so sorry for all you’ve been through, my friend.
Sara,
I truly believe that mothers like you who stand up for their children’s rights make the world a better place. Thank you for showing the strength, the courage and most of all the mothers love!
I hope this post was as empowering for you to write as it was powerful to read. What you are teaching your daughter by fighting for her is beyond invaluable and she will be stronger for it. No, you are most certainly not a victim.
When I read this post this morning I was so saddened for your daughter and yet so happy that she has a mother like you to fight for her in light of such horrific circumstances. I had a less than ideal upbringing – and while it did not consist of this type of abuse, it was difficult in it’s own right and people have said, “I don’t know how you did it” and the truth is, when you go through something difficult, no matter the nature – you just do. You reach within to the deepest parts of yourself and find your way. Sometimes it’s one day at a time or even one second at a time, but you keep pushing forward when you know the end result is worthwhile.
I have a close friend who’s mother chose to ignore what was happening in their home and it ultimately destroyed her (I didn’t find out until years after she left). She endured abuse from the time she can first remember, until the time when she could leave home. To this day, she still struggles and copes in an unhealthy manner. You have given your daughter a wonderful gift by advocating and fighting like hell for her. This is my worst nightmare come true because I have three young daughters. I only hope that if we endure something so devastating that I have the strength to carry them through it and honor their emotional needs above all else.
You are a remarkable Mother. I hope you have found an element of peace through sharing this post. While I’m sure it will always be with you as well as your daughter, you have taken back the power and given your daughter a strength she might not otherwise have found within herself.
Today I stand with and behind you and your daughter and your husband, as a mother and as a woman. What power to forge on through rejection and such hate.
You stood up. To the abuser. To the haters. And to the bullies.
And you stopped the cycle. And taught your own child what it means to be a citizen and a mom.
Thanks for posting this, even though it exposes your nightmare. I hope the comments, from friends and strangers (like myself) bolster you in the darker moments when you still have to sweep out any last vestiges of that shame. The shame is theirs, not yours.
(((((HUGS)))))
Came via a link someone shared. You are so strong and so amazing. Good for you. I don’t even know how to phrase that in a way that expresses how truly powerful I think your actions were. And are. You have no need to feel shame. Only pride. And your daughter too.
Standing beside you.
Goosebumps and tears after reading this. I’m so, so very sorry you all went through this, but I’m so, so very proud of you for standing up for your daughter and banishing a shame your family did NOT deserve. <3
Sara – YOU are everything your daughter needs – such a beautiful, powerful example of what strength and courage look like. My heart aches for everything you and your family have been through and it pains me to think there are ‘friends’ who have abandoned you when you CLEARLY needed them…. but I could feel the relief spilling from your words – it is amazing to see the power you possess as you take back every ounce of mothering gold these people have tried to rip from you. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her champion. You have made sure this will not define her, or you. You are extraordinary.
Sara, I have been awed by your quiet strength since the day we met. And I am so proud of you for speaking out today, both because you’ve revoked your victimhood and your daughter’s—and because you have paved the road for other women and mothers to come forth. I felt pained reading your account of what happened and the shame and guilt you endured, and grateful that justice was served. But I hope you know that no matter what the outcome of the trial would have been, your strength, wisdom and judgment have surely helped your daughter heal. Love, Ellen.
Ellen took the words right out of my mouth.
I just want to hug you and never let go.
I’m sorry I didn’t know you then, and beyond proud that I know you now. I am awed by your strength as a mother and as a woman. Your daughter is lucky beyond words to have you as a mom.
I just love you.
i love you. i admire you. i trust you. and so does cycleguy. as does babygirl.
i wish i could take away your hurt.
you are so strong and courageous. you are such a good mom. i am proud of you, always.
It rips my heart out to think about this for more than just a few seconds. I can’t even begin to imagine the terror this must have been for you and your family. In fact, I really can’t begin to do so. For you are much stronger than I am. You are much stronger than many of us. This is why you were tested. This is why you were scorn. Others, far weaker than you, couldn’t bare the thought that you were and are as strong as you are. You’ve come full circle now releasing this shame. You own what you’ve done and you can now embrace what you have shown your daughter. You’ve shown her love in it’s truest form and if that’s not what a Mother is, I don’t know what is. My thoughts are with you.
It’s very hard to conjure words after reading your story, but I want to find some here so that what you’ve given is met, even partially. This–what you did on behalf of your daughter in the wake of the unimaginable (but all too plausible; as parent to a 4 year old and 6 year old I worry so very much)–is the definition of courage.
Clearly it takes disproportionate courage to climb up and over shame, and shame is what many would have us feel because they fear the results of our courage.
Thank you for also having the courage to share this story here, with all of us who’d read it. May your daughter (continue to) find strength in your example and healing in your love.
Dearest Sara,
When we met, intuitively I knew there was something, a something I could not describe at the time. Looking back I now recognize it as a brave heart and a whole hearted desire to fight for those who could or would not fight for themselves. I saw this in you and made you my instant friend because of it. I saw the courage, you might not have felt. I saw the need to fight for injustice with your every word.
You are a REMARKABLE woman to have faced this experience head on without a community to hold you. The community that was not there at the time of your fight is here today. Know that you are loved and even braver (if that’s possible) for opening your heart to share your story. Your point of writing this post was to release yourself from your shame, in doing so, you have given the ripples of your community the permission to do the same regardless of the issue.
Thank YOU!
There are so many things I take from your story but two that are really important. You should not feel any shame. It is miserable that our society places victims in that role. What you should feel is pride. You allowed your daughter to be open with you and tell you when she had been hurt. I love my mother dearly and have a close relationship with her. Yet I still can not tell her the things that are uncomfortable or shameful. Those things she doesn’t want to hear. A friend of mine is in the same position. The assault on her person has caused her to be diagnosed as bipolar bc she could not speak of what happened to her. Your daughter will thank you for being able to speak.
I can’t even begin to imagine…. I can say that you are an amazing Mother for giving your daughter the justice she deserved. I’m glad that you are no longer ashamed.
I’m so glad you were able to take this to trial. I was also assaulted as a 4 year old, but my mom was sick at the time and my dad was going to school, so no one figured it out, even though it went on for at least a year.
I think you are right to let go of the shame. You are not a bad mom. (or maybe you are for other reasons, but I’m guessing not.) but this is not your fault, nor is it your daughter’s.
And she will be fine, even if she remembers all of it, because with a strong supportive Momma, these incidents will become part of the powerful part of her, the part that can kick ass and take names. At least that’s what my memories fuel. It will become a part of who she is, but it won’t define her.
Don’t be too overprotective now.. don’t make her afraid of the world, most of the time people are good. Most of the time people make the right choice.
I wish you and your family peace and strength. I know I don’t know you, but I am so proud of you and your daughter.
Sara,
Like many of the mother’s here, I cried as I read this eloquent personal story. I knew you were lovely before I read this, but now I also know how brave you are. I applaud you for your honesty, for helping others and for taking a stand. Your friend, Lynne
God bless you, Woman. Your strength, your heart, your bravery is an inspiration. Yes, YOU ARE ENOUGH! And you are loved. <3
Sara, we’ve only recently connected through Twitter, etc. but I hope someday that you will consider me a friend. We should all be so blessed to have someone like you in our life who is clearly, a wonderful role model: mother, friend, human being! xx
Sara, It must have taken a lot to write this. I am so sorry that this happened and that the journey has been so hard for you. This is just so incredibly sad to think that your baby girl went through this. Because of your story, I reflected on every single friend we have or playdate our children go to and I found one that should be a red flag – so thank you so much for that. It is hard for me to wrap my head around how anyone could do this to such a young child but it is dangerous for me to live in that bubble. I no longer am.
You now move forward on a new path…I wish you happiness on that one.
Amy
Thank you for posting this. Your daughter is blessed to have a mother to be her warrior and stand up for her no matter what.
When I was young my family hosted run-aways in a sort of temporary foster care situation. I cannot say how many of the children- girls and boys, but especially girls, were victimized and forsaken by their families. Parents who chose boyfriends/girlfriends/new wives/drugs/alcohol over their children. Parents who willingly gave their children over to be victimized. Parents who participated in the victimization.
Even when I was young, I knew that the worst thing that happened to those kids wasn’t that they had been molested/raped/abused/impregnated. The worst thing that ever happened to those kids was being forsaken by their parents, being left to rely on strangers to keep them safe and be their champion because their own parents didn’t deem them worth of protection. What life is it for a child to know that the people that are supposed to love you and take care of you, no matter what, have forsaken you?
Someone might say that the worst thing imaginable has happened to your daughter. I would disagree. Something horrendous did happen to her, but you stood up for her, you took care of her, you championed her cause, you love her unconditionally. You did not forsake your. You love her unconditionally. She knows that you will stand by her, stand up for her no matter what.
The worst thing imaginable has not happened to you daughter, she has you.
Sara, I am standing here in my little office/writing cubicle, applauding you with all my heart. It takes such guts to speak the truth of life, and you did it so beautifully. We should all be able to speak about the hideous events that unfold in life, and how they threaten to drown us, because speaking the truth always buoys us back up. Good for you for staking your claim and closing the door on that dark time. Leave those people who couldn’t see the necessary nature of truth in your wake; you and your daughter will glide on ahead of them, in touch with the things that matter most in life: honesty, resilience, grace and love. It’s a scary, topsy-turvy world sometimes; we all must be warriors with gentle, firm hearts. And you have showed us what that looks like. Thank you, thank you. And thank you.
Sara,
This post consumed me. I shared it far and wide and everywhere I did, women – and men – thanked me.
Thank you, my lovely friend, for being so brave and for sharing this story. You are such an amazing person. Which, of course, I knew before reading this post. But the fact that you shared such a personal journey, with such candor and passion, makes me love you even more.
Big hugs to you, love. And they are only virtual until the next time I get to see you and make them real hugs.
Love you to pieces.
Shelly
Wow. Just wow.
I am so blessed to know you. Your daughter is so blessed to have an awesome mom who will believe in her, fight for her and protect her the way you have for 4 years. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.
Sara,
Thank you for standing up for your daughter and for your family. I know you feel shame but all I see is courage and strength.
The shame should be placed on that defense attorney! I’m sorry you lost your friend, but she needed to know her son needs help. Lots of help.
In 1984, my 8-yr-old cousin was kidnapped, raped, & killed when she went to mail a letter 2 blocks away. My aunt felt guilty for letting her out of her sight for 10 minutes – but you can’t live you life that way! She helped change some of the laws and gain attention to child kidnappings.
Your giving your daughter an amazing role model.
Big hugs,
Kristi
Sara, this post ripped my heart to shreds. That you encountered anything other than support in such a horrible situation is tragic, in and of itself.
I have been on the other side of this with my oldest son and I can say {although it was the most difficult experience of our lives} that I am thankful someone came forward. They came forward and he was able to get the help that he needed to heal from old wounds. Although him being away {to get the treatment he needed} for four years was beyond hard, it is seeing him now, with all that having made him stronger and drawing us, as a family, closer to God, that I can see the value.
I would have never known there were problems if someone brave like you had not said something. I am forever grateful for that. My son was released from the bondage of his early childhood and is now able to move toward the future God has in store.
You are an amazing parent for sharing your story. When we keep these things in, the secrecy and shame will eat us alive. When we share, we discover that we are not alone and that it’s not our fault. {{hugs}} to you and your precious daughter.
Wow. I don’t even know what to say. But thank you for sharing your story.
I can realise how much pressure you must have been having inside of you and how relieved you must have become now that you have shared it openly with the world.
It is truly a traumatic experience that you have gone through. And you have acted with courage and will power. Some of us recover quickly from a tragic experience and others among us take a bit longer. But nevertheless, it always makes us a better person than we were before.
I just have one suggestion. Please don’t let your kid be afraid of the world. Make HER tell the story to others like how you did. You suffered until now. Right? She is also suffering. You obviously know that as you are her mom. My girl friend experienced sexual assault when she was 7. And at the age of 21, I was the Only and First person she shared it with apart from her parents. She felt so relieved after that and she became a completely new person. I saw a transformation in her after she shared it with me.
I just hope your beloved daughter don’t carry any heavy stress or shame inside her which she is not sharing with anybody.
Lots of love to you and your daughter,
Kichuku
Sarah, I had to let this sink in for a few days before I could comment. I was so choked up as I read about the horror that your family went through. I am so sorry that you’ve been going through this, and feeling alone. I think of all the time we were together and I could have been hugging you and tell you that you did the right thing. I can’t believe that so many of your friends stepped back from you when this happened. This would be the time to be there for someone, give them a safe place to vent and talk things out. I wish I could have been there for you and please know that I’m always here for you.
I know that Babygirl is going to come through this and with you in her corner, she has a strong role model. I too was abused as a child and I kept it inside for many years. I was taught that it was not something we should share, and I was afraid I would lose friends if I shared. I may have lost friends then, but they weren’t true friends then, right? I should have talked sooner and not kept everything inside. I didn’t have the strong family support that your beautiful girl has… Thanks for standing up and voicing all of this. You’re a strong, wonderful spirit and I’m glad that you’re my friend. Babygirl is a lucky girl to have you there for her.
Sara, I have come to this story late, and so many before me have spoken so eloquently in their words of support, empathy and encouragement. I don’t know what more I could add, but did not want to just walk away without leaving a comment, as this is a post about breaking silence. I used to believe that the court system designed to protect children essentially worked. I have since come to understand it can be quite otherwise, as many who have shared their comments here have attested. Your strength and love and support of your child are palpable. She will get through this because of you and your unwavering support.
I will add my voice to the multitudes here telling you there is absolutely no reason to feel shame, thanking you for your bravery in coming forward with this. I cannot imagine what is wrong with your former friend and her family for what they attempted to do, to try to sweep this under the rug and vilify you. I just do not understand the banality of evil I suppose.
You are a hero. Thank you.
All I can say is that you’re a good mama. You stood up for your little girl. You did what was right. I’m so sorry to read what you went through, what your daughter went through. I do believe that she’s going to grow up to be a strong woman because she has a strong mama. *hugs*
Sara, you are a strong and benevolent woman. While I hated that the story happened, and reading it brought so many emotions, I absolutely love that you achieved victory– not just over evil– but inside yourself, and inside your family. Your family is an example of MANY good qualities, but this story is of course yet one more example to me of beautiful assertiveness. One that won’t bully or persecute, but will not be walked over, either. A family that will stand for truth and right, and never give up!
Sara,
I’m so shocked and saddened that you and your family had to go through such a terrible time. I had no idea. Now that I know, my heart bleeds for you.
But I’m proud of you for sticking up for your daughter. I’m proud of you for being strong. What you have done will go such a long way toward helping your daughter be a whole and healed person. Just recently, I got to know a woman in her 50s who as a child was the victim of incest–and it seemed to me that the most terrible wound she bore was the fact that her mother hadn’t acknowledged the wrong and tried to protect her. You, my dear friend, have done what you could to help your daughter, and I salute you.
I imagine it’s hellish, being treated so cruelly by people you thought were your friends. I’m sorry for that. But you did the right thing.
And I’m glad you shared this very personal story. Even though Terry and I are physically far away, we hope you can feel that we love and respect you. You are a good person.
Saralee
Hi Sara,
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I lost my brother to suicide last year, and my family was concerned about what might happen if we told people it was suicide, but I pushed hard and I’m very glad that we did. Like the act committed against your daughter was not her or your fault, my brother’s death was not my family’s fault. Victims of crimes should not be blamed, even though all too frequently they are. I know your story will help others who have experienced something similar. Thank you for your strength.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! Sara I am soooooo proud of you and your decision to banish shame and to take your power back!
You are not victims. You are survivors. And I stand by you in solidatrity. I have so much more to say but I am at the brink of tears, so just know I send you all warm healing hugs.
Best,
Li
@LaLicenciada
@HerDeepThoughts
All I can say is what an amazing mother you are, thank goodness your daughter has you!
Sara,
I read this late Monday night with tears streaming down my face. The only comment I could think of us was that ” I have no words” and so without words, I decided to table my comment until the words came.
In some ways there are still no words-
There are no words I can say to take away what happened to you, to your daughter, to your family.
There are no words I can say to make it better.
I have no words when I hear that you must rid yourself of shame, because the fact that anyone should make you feel ashamed in this situation is so incomprehensible to me, I am rendered speechless.
Yet while I sit speechless, you have taught your daughter the power of speaking up. You have ensured that her voice and her words would be heard. You have stood by her and you have empowered her. You are the embodiment of what a mother should be.
How many children have grown up ashamed for something that was done to them? How many children have grown up feeling powerless because their voices were not heard, not believed or even silenced? How many children would have benefitted to have a mother such as yourself?
I am happy to hear that you have banished the shame, as the shame does not, and never did, belong with you, with your daughter or with your family.
Not that I have any right to do so, but I will suggest that as you banish the shame, that you take it a step further and turn it around. Literally. If you switch the ‘a’ & the ‘e’ around in the word shame you will end up with the word “shema”, which means “listen” or “hear” in Hebrew. It is also the name of a most important prayer that hangs on the doorpost of a Jewish home in protection of its inhabitants.
Not only is there no shame in what you have done, there is “Shema”: You have ensured that your daughter was heard and knows that she has a voice. You have empowered and protected your daughter.
May G-d bless you, your daughter & your family,
With the greatest respect and admiration for your courage,
Tanya
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this virtually alone. I have no words that will comfort you, but I want you to know that I am here if you want to talk.
(((hugs)))
I don’t even know where to begin. My heart aches for the situation but I do not pity…I feel so proud to know you and proud FOR you.
Shame is an unscrupulous Master who eats at our very existence causing many different forms of act-outs.
To say the you were brave is an understatement. You faced the most unimaginable thing a parent can face. It was no more your fault that it is your fault that the wind blows or rain falls.
Friends that left your side have made room for those that NEVER will. I am proud to be one.
Thank you for trusting me with your story and sharing with me your journey and process of healing.
I love this song from the movie Broken Bridges. It’s called “Broken”
You have my deepest respect, admiration and love!
your friend. jNo
Sara,
You have given your child a gift beyond what you can imagine now. You gave her the gift of safety – to know she could come to you, to walk through this together, to never have to face it alone (beyond the moment it happened) will help her heal so beautifully. She’ll be a stronger person for this, which isn’t to say anyone needs to endure such violence to be a strong person, but she will be. I know it because I endured years of sexual abuse from before I could speak to my young years. Only I could tell no one. I imagine how much further I would have been along had I eventually been able to tell. Had it not been until my adulthood when I would finally face what happened.
You are helping your daughter and giving her such a gift for her life, for her soul and yes, for her body, that is beyond words. I thank you for being there for her.
Blessings to you and your family,
Jenn
Wow. That is an amazing, tragic story. You are a great mother. You set a great example for your daughter. I can imagine how terrifying and lonely that place has been for you. I work hard to imagine because I got tired of people telling me they could not imagine how I dealt with losing my only child to cancer when he was three. I know it takes bottomless courage to confront that kind of hate and fear. But sometimes when you tap that well, it never stops giving. Welcome to the light. You have made today a better day for me. Thank you.
Reading this made me cry. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a supportive, strong and loving mother. I would go on and on here, but I’ll stop myself before I write you a novel-length letter of admiration.
Banish shame and never let it come back. It should never have been yours to begin with. I hope one day your daughter reads this post and understands how much you love her, and how much we internet denizens would support her if we could (and you!).
I can only say ((( Sara ))) Love you Sweetie.
I am now an adult, I was about 4 when a teenaged family member tried to sexually molest me. The best thing that ever happened was I told my mother and she BELIEVED me. We did not go to court, but I never again saw or was in the presence of that boy. Her belief in me was powerful, both then and as I grew into a woman and a mother. My self esteem would have taken a much different turn had I not been believed. You are an amazing woman not only in your strength to fight, but now in your strength to stop the shame. You’ll NEVER know the women you are reaching on all THREE sides of this sad story.
I grew up to be a licensed clinical social worker, I worked in child protection for a short time…it was some hard work. You did the right thing, who knows how many other young girls you saved. Bless you!
Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. You are helping so many other women heal, as well as giving everyone who reads this some very serious things to think about.
Oh Sara,
Wow. Just, wow.
I’m immensely proud of you for telling your story. The fact that your 4 yo COULD tell it to you and knew to is a testament to your parenting.
I’m proud to call you a friend.
<3
This is a shocking and incredible story of triumph for you and for your daughter. It was incredibly brave of you to share it and so important that you did. No one should be afraid or ashamed, and you have helped make sure more people will share their stories and stand up to those who would silence them.
Sending you thanks, love and healing prayers.
Hi I’m visiting from I found the Marbles. I commend you for sharing your story I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I can’t even imagine being in this horrible situation and my thoughts are with you and your family. You are an amazing mother and did the right thing to protect your daughter and your family. It was very strong and brave.
You’ve got no reason to be ashamed, HE DOES! Your daughter sounds like an incredible person. And you are absolutely right not to fall into the victim trap. You are not victims. Thank you for sharing this story. I think that the more open we are about secrets/taboo subject, the less weight they carry.
Sara,
I am at a loss of words – But I want you to know that you are truly amazing. I’ve known that you are a strong woman, but this shows how remarkable, and how incredible, you really are. And I am so proud to call you a friend.
I’ve been through my own struggles in life with family and friends that turn away from dark issues, so I have a glimpse to the pain you felt, although I can never say I know exactly how you feel since I haven’t been there. I applaud you for your strength and the pure LOVE you have for your daughter.
Please know, that I am here for you (and only a short drive away), so if you ever need a friend, don’t hesitate to let me know. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Melissa recently posted..Baby Printable Coupon Round-Up 10/20
Sara,
Thank you. Thank you for believing your daughter. Thank you for fighting for your daughter each and every step of the way. Thank you for being her shield, her protector, her helper, her mom. Thank you for doing what other mothers can’t. Thank you for doing what my mom still cannot do.
I am now a middle-age woman and a survivor of sexual abuse throughout my childhood. I have traveled down the path of healing with the help of many wonderful, courageous, helpful people who helped me learn that the shame isn’t mine, just like the shame isn’t yours and isn’t your daughter’s. The shame belongs only to the abusers, the ones who are complicit, the ones who shelter an “important” or “powerful” man. The ones who protect a brand over a child. Thank you for not doing that to your daughter.
I hope that you find strength and hope from the good thoughts and thanks of people like me – survivors and thrivers who stand up and applaud your courage.
Thank you!
Leah
Leah recently posted..NaBloPoMo Blog Het theme for 11/4
Your daughter sounds so courageous. She obviously gets that from her mama.
Awesome. This is such a powerful post.
Rebeccah recently posted..Turning Points
Saw you on BlogHer. This was a powerful post and I praise you for putting it out there. I wish peace for you and your family as you heal from this horrible experience. I was molested(not raped) as a child, and never told anyone – not even my mother. I carry it with me and probably always will. If this happened to my child I would fight hell and high water, as you have done.
Deb recently posted..I want to be a farmer – Part 2
Found you via BlogHer. Thank you so much for telling your story but more importantly for believing your daughter when she came to you and for having the courage to take action and prosecute. You are a wonderful mother, have no doubt about that.
I sit here having found your blog through a twitter link from the Penn State coverup of the Sandusky rape. I first read your article to the Mother’s and I passed along that tweet so that Mother’s everywhere could see it. I am a Mom and while my son was young I lived in absolute fear about his being sexually abused as your daughter was. I was blessed in that it never happened but because I spent so many years in terror, I think I can feel your pain. But I also feel your love for your child and your absolute bravery to fight for her and to put away the animal who stole her innocence.
I wish I knew you in person, I would have been your friend, holding your hand and trying to comfort you and your daughter as you had to endure all that you did. You did the right thing and I am so happy that you have finally found some measure of peace that you can step away from all the horrid defense actions that tried to tear you down to excuse their behavior. I promise to pray every day for you, your daughter and your family that you will continue to heal and most importantly that your daughter may one day find peace. I pray that God will allow her to grow into a strong confidant young woman and Mother who can find the love that she deserves and can understand that she did nothing to deserve what happened to her. I pray that she will understand that she is not a victim but a very courageous and beautiful person who has courage and character beyond anything that words can describe.
I believe that my prayers will be answered because your daughter is so fortunate to have you for her Mother. I believe that with your guidance and your unconditional love and support that each day that passes will find her healing more each day. I know that neither of you will ever forget what happened but I pray and believe that God will see that this horrible tragedy and attack on her very soul and being will make her even stronger and more beautiful that she is today. May God continue to bless you and your family and thank you so much for sharing your story with all the Moms out there who also love their kids and who do everything in their power like you did and do to protect your child.
Thank you so much, I have been in such a state trying to deal with the horror of what Sandusky and the Penn State coverup of his misdeeds did to God knows how many innocent children. I didn’t know what to do with my rage and your story gave me a moment of peace from the insanity. I do hug you and cherish you for that. You don’t know me, but when you feel alone, know that your friend is thinking about you and wishing you well. Hug your daughter for me and let her know that people do care about and love her even if they have never met her.
I wish my mom would have fought so hard for me. Your daughter will know how much you love her. So much.
Sara – I am hugging you and your daughter so hard in my mind right now! I wish you strength and peace and I thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you’ve had to feel this way for so long and I’m sorry that you didn’t feel more supported by your friends. You absolutely did the right thing, as you always do, and I’m very proud of you for standing up for your daughter!
Denise recently posted..Chili’s Dinner Drinks & Dessert Deal
I am so inspired by your voice. You are a mother lion and your daughter is a hero. You believed her, you taught her to tell and you listened. You fought for her even when it felt overwhelming hard. I can’t believe that the kid’s mother did not believe your daughter. Stunned. The next little girl he would have attacked is deeply in your and your daughter’s debt. Peace.
Thank you for sharing your story and for standing up for your daughter! Just out of curiosity, how old was the boy when this horrible abuse happened?
Flair by MariaS recently posted..Talk Turkey To Me
What a beautiful, raw,& brave piece of writing!
Oh my goodness.
Thank you–for telling your story, for protecting your daughter, for fighting for her right to tell her story and have justice served.
No shame. Just healing.
Bless you & your family.
Oh, Sara. You are one amazingly powerful woman. You did so right by your daughter, I am so proud to know you. xo
Morgan (The818) recently posted..Comment on I Made a Freaking Challah, and Other Thoughts About My Jewishness. by the818
Sara,
What a horrible experience for you to endure. The worst part is your so called friends turning on you. Rape, since the dawn of man has been swept under the rug and that is wrong. I am glad that you had/have the courage to do something about it. Our society has it all wrong when they blame the victim. You are an awesome person. To talk about it takes even more courage. I so admire you for speaking for your daughter and all the other girls and women who have been wronged.
Congratulations for your nomination to BlogHer. In my eyes, you are already a winner. We have all won because you have stood up against brutality.
Thank you,
Diane
First of all, you are not to blame. The blame falls first on the sexual predator, which is what he is no matter the fact that he’s a teenager, and then on his family for attacking you. The defense attorney is a piece of garbage who will get his comeuppance.
Secondly, and I want you to pay very close attention to this because this is coming from someone who was raped at 4 as well, the fact that your daughter told you the moment she saw you means YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER! She trusted you. I’m positive her rapist warned and threatened her not to tell, but she believed in your power over his. Sit and think about that for a minute please. She still believed you were stronger than him and you would protect her so she told you the truth.
My abuse went on for over 3 years at the hands of my grandfather and it took me 3 more years after that to tell. Because I didn’t trust and didn’t believe anyone was more powerful than him.
Next, I’m so proud of you for absorbing all of the attacks sent you and your daughter’s way and making sure that he paid for what he did. She is lucky to have a mother who didn’t bury her head in the sand or cave in to the pressure and ugliness. Don’t let any of those things said to and about you have any more power over you. Chose to put them down and never pick them back up again.
I hope that you have told your family and friends about what happened. Don’t make it a subject she’s afraid to talk about because you don’t want anyone else knowing. She still has a long road ahead of her and possible acting out as she hits puberty and is continually confronted with becoming a teenager and all of the turmoil that causes for someone who hasn’t been what she’s been through. It will be far easier for her to cope if she doesn’t have to hide anything as well, which sounds like you are already on the road to full disclosure with this post.
I wish I’d seen this when you first wrote it, but I’m so glad that we have been talking these passed few days. I’m not sure where you are at in the country, but if you and your daughter EVER need anything, I will be there.
On behalf of all survivors who didn’t get a chance to look our rapists in the eye and tell our story to a judge and see even a small amount of justice done, THANK YOU!
H.C. Palmquist recently posted..It’s Just a Word
I cannot begin to express how deeply it hurts me that your beloved daughter and family went through such as this. The strength you show in sharing this with world is amazing. Thank you for your openness as others will find strength through your words, and all will give you and yours some of their strength to share.
I am so glad that you told your story here. Moving forward, it will be so important to NOT make your daughter feel like a victim. She is a person who lives in a world where things happen. These things are not always easy or pretty.
And yet.
She can thrive and be whole. She is not ruined. She is not broken. Don’t let people treat her as such!
Renee Schuls-Jacobson recently posted..Anxious About #BlissDom? You’re Not Alone!
you rock. thanks for sharing this story. it touched me when you told me in person, and again as i read these words. i’m so glad to know you and look forward to more great talks!!!