February 17, 2011

Is It Possible to Bully Yourself?

by

Brain Scan

I think I’m a bully. Not to other people, to myself. I’m hyper-critical, see flaws and point them out, question actions and roll my eyes at my own thoughts sometimes. Is it possible to self bully?

If I treated anyone like my thoughts there would be a full-on war waged against me. I’d have been taken to task by countless numbers of people. I’d even want to punch myself out.

But when the bullying goes on inside my head and no one hears it, is it really happening? It’s like my own little hate parade in my brain some days. And it comes fast and furious. I can only imagine what I must look like with my eyes darting around, the grimaces and smooshed up face. It’s really loud in there, I can tell you that.

I’m not a bully and I don’t bully other people. But, really, I do bully myself. And have for years under the guise of being critical and wanting to learn from my mistakes or errors. It’s the same stuff I would never heap on anyone else or allow to happen to my daughter or friends that I wrap up nice a pretty in my brain and deliver it by special messenger all too often.

As long as it stays in my brain, it’s OK. Right? No, not really. But I can’t make it leave. Sometimes it’s off for long periods of time. But it seems to feed off of the insecurities that arise when the real-life bullies start hurling their venom and my brain sees and hears it. As if it were the truth. It’s not the truth. I know it. But I must not fully grasp that it’s a bunch of nonsense that deserves no power.

I give these words power. Inside my brain, it’s an electric power plant giving power to these neuron-bullies that bombard me. I’ve tried t make them stop. I’ve argued with them and have told them they’re wrong. I should be stronger than they are. Some days I am. I want more strong days. Lots more strong day.

But I can’t seem to make this bully go away. I can’t see the bully but it is me. Not the good me. Not the loving and caring and friendly me. This black cloak wearing skulky kind of me is what I imagine. Never seen face to face, only in shadows. And I don’t know how it came back. It was gone for a very long time. But as quickly as it left, it seems to be back. Now, to make it go away since I know it’s there.

How? I can talk back to it all I want but it’s not a good listener. I can ignore it but it’s still there and that seems to annoy it even more. Do I reason with it? I’ve heard you can’t really reason with a bully. Should I really treat it like it’s separate from me or do I just need to look at myself and stop hearing the bully?

I make mistakes and the bully laughs. I forget and the bully mocks. I cry. The bully doesn’t.

I’m bigger than this. I’m stronger than this, I tell myself. Everyday.

Now, I don’t really hear voices nor do I wage a mental battle. I’m not in need of a padded room. Seriously, I’m not. It’s just that for some reason I’m letting negativity get to me and I really want it to stop.

Sara

{ 7 comments }

rhonda February 17, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Are you living in my head? Or are we just living twin lives? Hugs!

Kate @ Songs Kate Sang February 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm

That is too funny. I recently attended a Dale Carnegie 8 week class. It was amazing. One of the theories was how you speak to yourself ~ your own inner monologue. “If you spoke to others the way you speak to yourself, would you have any friends” was one of their main focuses. I completely relate to this. I am afraid I would not have any friends if I treated others the way I treat myself. Working on that… 🙂

Becca -Our Crazy Boys February 19, 2011 at 9:56 pm

You’re not alone, I do the same thing. We can all work on it together 🙂

Natasha March 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

I do the samething but at a time at school I was bullied over a fight situation and I got beat up pretty bad then for a while everyone laughed at me and poked fun at me but time passed and people forgot but I haven’t it hurt me to the point of where I lost myself I held in all the pain and constantly put myself down then finally I talked to my mother and in one conversation I felt great and I didn’t feel alone and that demon that makes Fun of me comes back sometimes on bad days I’m pretty much better than ever being a better person everyday.

Sara March 3, 2012 at 10:11 am

Natasha, I’m glad you were able to talk to your mother about your experience and how you felt. I know how hard it is to fully overcome the bullying, but with time I do hope you realize that the bullies were wrong.

Jaylisse September 14, 2012 at 5:38 pm

It the same for me. My mom want to know if im being bullied, I said yeah and she want to know who. I cant tell her she’ll think im crazy. I just dont know what to do/

Rosy December 4, 2012 at 9:34 am

I’m so glad it’s not just me, I thought I was going mad! I’m not very popular, and I stress out everyone around me, and I’m so critical of myself all of the time. I think I used to kid myself that other people bullied me, when it wasn’t . All it was, was me being hypercritical, and bullying myself.
I hate myself, I truly, truly hate myself. I put myself down so much, my grades are suffering, and I separate myself from others for their good. I talk about myself constantly, and try and find other people to find faults in me.
It got to the point where I’m so sick of myself, I’ve tried killing myself five times. But this post has helped me come to terms with who I am. But has anyone actually found a way to stop this constant drawback. If I could stop it, I could actually get on with life, which would be a miracle at this rate.

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