January 7, 2014

Seven Life Lessons I Learned From My Grandmother’s Death

by

Life Lessons

In death we often look for the meaning in life. As my grandmother faced her last days she often told me she lived a good life. She didn’t speak much, but she definitely wanted me to know she felt she lived a good life. But what did that really mean? What does it mean when you say you’ve lived a good life?

The truth is it wasn’t for me to figure out why she believed she lived a good life. I didn’t know everything about her life and my assumptions as to what went in to that statement would just be supposition. There is no “Good Life” meter. What would make a good life for one person may be a miserable existence for someone else. It’s a combination of the spiritual, emotional, and physical. But no one really knows the formula.

But in her death, I learned a few things about life. And I’d like to share them with you.

7 Life Lessons I Learned From My Grandmother’s Death

1. What we do will often matter more than what we say. This can be interpreted in two ways. See, my grandma didn’t say “I love you” very often. But I never doubted that she loved me very much. She often showed her love not only to me, but many others, with food. It was a common thread throughout her life to cook for others. That’s how she showed her love. The diversity in her friends was a reflection of how she saw the world. Helping others, a friendly smile, standing up for what we believe in are often heard louder than any words that pass our lips. At the same time, you can’t say one thing to make yourself look good while doing the opposite. At her funeral, few people recalled any specific words she said. Rather, they all remembered how she made them feel.

2. Speak your mind even if it’s not popular or polite. If you’ve ever spent time around people in their 80s and 90s, or even some people in their 60s and 70s, you’ve likely heard them say things that make you want to apologize to everyone within earshot. It’s not that they’re intending to be mean or rude or hurtful, they’re just telling you what they’re thinking. The filter’s gone. It’s a trait we often admire in children, but stifle as time passes. We’re taught very early not to say things that will hurt people’s feelings. And in the process, we end up silencing our voice. Sure, we don’t need to be mean or rude or hurtful. But why can’t we be honest? I had the privilege of spending many afternoons at her senior living center. I was often shocked at how matter of fact the residents were when they spoke to each other, to the staff, or, sometimes, even me. After her death, though, as I walk through the complex those same people that caught me off guard have stopped me and offered their condolences and have shared heartfelt stories of the friendship they had developed with my grandmother. The filters may be gone, but the respect isn’t.

3. You’ll never regret traveling. For a child of the depression, my grandma traveled relatively early in her life. With older sisters out of the house, she was able to parlay that into a few trips to visit them. When she married my grandpa he was in the military and her life of travel began in earnest. Until the very end, it was stories of the friends made and the sites seen while traveling that often brought so much joy. Whether it was a drive to visit her sister in the heartland, a car trip with the grandkids to Disneyland, several trips to the Middle East, weeks-long excursions to China, Greece, Thailand, Canada, or Alaska and the Bearing Strait there was always a way to go. And from each trip there were memories and stories that were with her until the end.

4. Be Generous. I actually learned this from my mom, who learned it from my grandma. As I’m closing up my grandmother’s affairs I’ve found cards, letters, and notes from people she’s helped throughout her life. At her funeral, a very dear friend of hers spoke about how her kindness and friendship helped him at a key time in his life. Generosity isn’t about money. It’s about giving of ourselves unselfishly. Whether it’s our time, our love, words of encouragement, a smile, or a gentle touch, it’s nearly impossible to be over-generous. People remember our generosity and likely will continue the cycle of giving.

5. Money should never be used to control people. This is a tough one because so many people do use money this way. If you’re going to help people financially, don’t attach strings. It’s fine to set parameters if the money is to be paid back. But don’t think that money gives you the right to control their lives and choices. At the same time, we can’t let money control our lives either. Don’t get me wrong, having money is great. But if money (the presence or absence of it) holds you back from being happy then that’s a problem.

6. Take risks. There’s a difference between taking risks and engaging in risky behavior. Taking risks is about challenging yourself. Pushing your limits. Testing your own boundaries. Taking risks is about leaping with faith in your ability even if you can come up with 6,827 perfectly logical reasons why you shouldn’t. Taking risks is when you’re not sure but you have a great support system of people who want to see you succeed to your highest potential and not settle for the status quo.

7. Be  true to yourself. People will come and go throughout your life. Sure, some may stay for a very long time. But the reality is that over our however-many-years there will be very few people who will be part of our life for multiple decades. If we become what other people think we should be, we’ll be constantly changing to suit everyone else. Instead, even if we’re not what someone thinks we should be chances are there is a person just waiting to meet someone just like us. Quirks and all!

We should all be able to say we lived a good life!

Sara

{ 9 comments }

Emily January 7, 2014 at 2:01 pm

I loved reading about these lessons you learned from your grandmother…I lost my mom about 8 months ago and that loss also made me think about what she taught me. She too (like your grandmother) was a “giver” and was so generous with her time and love to so many…that’s what many people remembered about her. I hope to carry on her beautiful qualities and live a fulfilling life as she did.

Julie Phelps January 7, 2014 at 5:36 pm

Lovely post. I think your #1 stated what sums everything up, that people at her funeral did not mention specific words she said, but instead recalled how she made them feel.
I can only hope the same will be the case with me after my passing.
Everything else she did really supported the same: how she made people feel.
She must have been a wonderful grandma.
You appear to be proof of her love.

donna January 7, 2014 at 6:30 pm

Such a thoughtful post. I was also blessed to care for my Gramma in her last years. She passed at 91 and several in your list also remind me of her. It brought back several good memories :0).
This is worth quoting!
“Taking risks is when you’re not sure but you have a great support system of people who want to see you succeed to your highest potential and not settle for the status quo.”

Janie Emaus January 7, 2014 at 10:42 pm

I think I would have loved your grandmother.

Sandra Sallin January 8, 2014 at 12:21 am

Lovely post and memorable legacy. So enjoyed reading this.

Lisa @ Grandma's Briefs January 8, 2014 at 8:43 am

A heartfelt, honest and wise post. Such marvelous lessons you learned from the experience. Thank you for sharing them.

Christi January 8, 2014 at 6:36 pm

What a long and full life she led. I’m glad I had the chance to meet her, and I’m certain that the best parts of her will live on in her granddaughter and great granddaughter. Hugs.

Stacey Ross January 8, 2014 at 7:03 pm

What a simply wise and wonderful woman your grandmother was. Her legacy lives through you, it appears! Sorry for your loss, but thrilled for all you gained from being her grandkid. Great post.

Kate @ Songs Kate Sang January 9, 2014 at 2:36 pm

Thank you so much for this post. It is so easy to get caught up in all the stuff and busyness of it all. But really… really? What legacy do I want to leave? If my granddaughter said anything of the above, I will know I have succeeded.

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