February 18, 2011

UnMeditated

by

Budda

Have you ever meditated? Like real meditation where you’re totally quiet and you quiet your brain and can hear your heart beat in your ears? Where you lose track of time and because you know you’ll lose track of time you set a timer on your phone to play happy zen music at a specific time for fear of being in this state of bliss for hours.

I’ve tried. And I’ve tried. Many times. Sure I’ve zoned out a few times at 2:53am but only for a split second or two. But nothing meditation-y at all. And believe me, it was my homework assignment for several months and every time I tried I would fail.

The whole point of my meditating was so that I could tune out the mental chatter and get to a place where I could infuse my brain with positive and affirming thoughts. Where after days or weeks or months of doing this my brain would be so full of good thoughts that there would be no room left for the self-defeating and (what I truly know to be) untrue negativeisms.

Only I’ve never been able to do it. It frustrates me that I never figured out this meditation thing. And I truly don’t understand how other people do it. I’ve sat in my closet (it’s a walk-in so it’s OK) with the lights off. Still. Focusing on my breathing. (I got that part down thanks to a few good yoga classes!) Breathe In. Breathe Out. Slowly. In. Out. Focus on the breathing.

And then my brain starts to wonder toward a million other things. What time is it? How long have I been doing this? Is it dark enough? What if someone is at the door? Maybe I have email, I should check it. When did I last call my grandma, this would be the perfect time. I have to go to the bathroom. I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. Did I set the DVR?  What if someone broke in and found me here, would they kill me. Wait, I could hide and they wouldn’t find me, and on and on.

Turning off my brain was much harder than I thought. But really, I can barely turn it off to go to sleep what made me think that for a few minutes I could focus so intently on something other than the random thoughts zipping around my brain like space garbage in the galaxy. Other people can do this. Surely, I could do this.

So again, I tried. Into the closet. Lights out. This time, zen-y type music. The kind you would hear if you went into a tiny shop in Chinatown that sold incense or tea or something calming. I brought my phone. You know, just incase. In case of what I’m not sure because I’m supposed to be meditating! There are no phones in meditation. So the phone goes out. Ah, now to meditate.

The brain is wandering. Again. And this goes on for days. I can’t make it stop wandering. I’ve read quite a few books on healing and meditation by Louise Hay. They’ve inspired me to keep trying to calm the voices. To find ways other than meditation to quite the mental chatter.

Unfortunately, so many other thoughts and emotions come in to play because I haven’t been able to master the art of meditation. Why is meditation so difficult? Am I missing out some key piece of info that would make all the pieces come together?

Part of me thinks it’s hilarious that I haven’t been able to even sit alone in a dark room and be still. I never have been. My mind multi-tasks and races constantly. Not in a bad way. Usually. But being quiet and still is not normal for me.

Maybe it should be. Maybe I’m one of those people who shouldn’t meditate because if I do I could envision the plan for world peace or how to stop global warming or the next hot ‘As Seen on TV’ bonanza. Whatever the reason, I’m still thinking I should keep trying because that part of me that says “you’re a quitter and a failure” really needs a good ol’ fashion beat down.

If you’ve mastered the art of meditation, please share your insights and secrets. I promise that if the winning lotto numbers come to me I will share them with you!

Sara

{ 3 comments }

Kate @ Songs Kate Sang February 18, 2011 at 8:41 am

You are so funny. I am with you… 100% My brain is never, never quiet. Hmmm.

Jenn February 18, 2011 at 8:41 am

Have you tried an “active” meditation instead? Where you don’t worry about shutting it out and clearing your mind completely but instead observe whatever thoughts enter and then let them go being gentle and non-judgmental with the self. Worked better for me! 🙂

Kim February 18, 2011 at 1:04 pm

This was a very interesting post. I truly agree with you about the mind wandering when you try and stay focused. Good luck. I know you will become focused. Great topic!

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